Movie Review: Tomb Raider 2.

I don’t usually review movies this bad because I figure everyone can realize that they suck after taking so much as a cursory glance at the Movie Poster, let alone the trailer. There are so many things wrong with this movie it’s hard to focus on particular ones, but I do have some personal favorites in the contest for the all-time most ridiculous piece of crap scene in a movie award.

First off: What’s with the Goddamned Shark??. Here we have Lara (Collagen-lips Angelina Jolie) doing her kicking ass act in a temple buried underwater, when she’s suddenly left without means of transportation back to the surface, so what she does (obviously) is cut her own arm to attract a shark with the blood, and when said half-ton animal is about to strike and presumably, eat her… SHE HITS HIM. Yep. In the nose. Very hard. Hard enough, apparently, to force the animal to make an incredibly cartoony and stupid face and let her hop on board, grabbing his dorsal fin and taking a ride to the surface.

…

For simplicity’s sake, let’s overlook the whole bubbles in the blood effect, which was blatantly ignored. There’s something about the very basic slugging-a-Shark-in-the-face action that makes me feel all squirmy and at a loss. Am I supposed to think Lara’s cool? Or maybe I’m supposed to enjoy the non-stop action rollercoaster ride?. I cowered in my seat at the stench of the poorly directed piece of shit, is what I did!. I can’t help but think this stuff came straight from the ass of a very sick marketroid at Paramount. Either that or the producer was on crack.

This scene would not be nearly as insulting hadn’t I seen the same kind of resource used masterfully by Garth Ennis & Steve Dillon in their 12-issue miniseries that jumpstarted The Punisher Title again. Here’s the very witty piece of Comic that I’m talking about:

Click on image to see what this is about.

SEE THAT, LARA? THAT’s how you slug a giant beast in the head!. Pfft. Don’t watch Tomb Raider 2. If you hated the first one, you’ll hate this one even more. If you loved the first one well… What medication are you on? I could use some of that.

— sergio on August 18, 2003