We all have a potential for evil and mischief. I discovered early on that mine was not at all negligible. In fact, it might be said I could have turned out a pretty rotten brat, were it not for the second fact I discovered: That potential and disposition do not equal aptitude.

It might be fairly obvious by now that me and common sense… well, we don’t mix much (alas, stupidity is such a harsh mistress!).

I was about ten, and had gone out bike riding with my brother. I was riding behind him and staring at my front wheel’s rim, from which a rather large screw protruded to one side. It was then, in a perfect moment of acute lucidity, that I hatched my plan:

Wouldn’t it be AWESOME if I rammed the rim screw into my brother’s rear wheel spokes? I mean, WOULDN’T THAT BE AWESOME TO THE MAX??”

Oh, how joyous was my vision! The image of him flying through the air, crashing on the pavement, getting badly maimed… few broken bones, perhaps even the nose!. Oh, the laughs we would have!

So I went and did it.

Now, any Physics 101 student (or any person with half an ounce of brain, for that matter) can tell you exactly what happens when you lodge the front rim of a bike into another bike’s rear wheel spokes, which is the following:

1. As a result of the sudden jamming of the wheel, both bikes come to a dead stop.
2. Since the bike on the front brakes from the rear, it skids across the pavement in a controlled manner.
3. As the bike on the rear brakes with the front wheel, all its angular velocity is translated to the frame (which at this point is firmly pinned by the front wheel’s rim, providing an excellent axis for rotation)

Saying I was not a particularly clever Criminal Mastermind™ might just be the mother of all understatements.

As I flew across the air, I had just enough time to realize the error of my calculations.

As I crashed headfirst into the pavement, I repented a bit.

As I lay on the road bleeding profusely through my torn pants, I even attained a measure of wisdom.

As my brother came to a stop by lowering his feet to the road, thereby coming out of the incident completely unharmed, I concluded that I had attained the peak of my criminal career (and that it was not particularly bright).

And as my own bike came crashing over my badly maimed body, I decided that, just perhaps, evil was not for me.

Seriously, it’s a wonder I even made it through childhood.

— sergio on February 16, 2005