Rants and Articles.
CSI:Livejournal
I don’t watch much TV, but whenever I’m channel flipping and I run into CSI, I can’t turn my eyes away. It may just be me, but the idea of an alternate universe where forensical geeks are not only cool, good looking and carry guns, but can also get laid from time to time just blows my mind away.
Last night at 2 AM I was silently cursing David Caruso (is it just me or is he too stoned, too distant, too redheaded, too fucking much?) for making me stay up late to find out who had decided to spill token-famous-baseball-dude’s brains all over the living room carpet in an episode that seemed oddly reminiscent of a Clue session on acid (as I recall, it was either the cute-innocent-looking-daughter —with aproppriate “wtf?” value— or Colonel Mustard, with the candlestick).
Anyway, that’s when it hit me that CSI is missing a golden opportunity for serious criminal investigation possibilities by not having tackled the Rachelle Waterman case. As you may remember, this criminal mastermind not only convinced her two psycho ex boyfriends (Milton, from Office Space and the fat Michael Jackson from the Simpsons, apparently) of kidnapping and killing her mom, but also of having sex with her (ewwww).
And she kind of gave it away in her livejournal, too.
I can picture the CSI episode in my head. It would be titled “Shitty poetry rocks / I kill my mom / Speling is tuff / haiku has too few lines / LOL”. It would be from CSI:Vegas, because Caruso is too brain dead and Gary Sinise looks evil in whatever he does. Plus, Grissom rocks.
— “I want this done and done right, Catherine. We’ll spare no expenses to find the murderous murderer who murdered this woman”
— “You’re getting too involved in this Grissom! Too involved! I don’t care if you’re commanding officer, I’ll get you off the case if you don’t tell me why you’re SO INVOLVED!”
— “Yeah, well, I kind of killed my mother when I was a kid… so there.”
*Catherine clutches at her left breast and stares at the void whilst mumbling incoherently — Her painstakingly disheveled shirt shows just enough cleavage to up ratings in Illinois, not enough to lose viewers in Iowa*
— “I… I didn’t know, Grissom…”
— “Let’s just get this done, shall we Catherine?”
*Arbitrary amount of time passes. Cut to dweeb who lives in the precinct’s basement. He’s wearing a hideous hawaiian t-shirt and his hair looks like someone barfed on it*
— “What do you have for me, Greg?”
— “Well, Grissom, I hacked into your suspect’s computer by means of highly sophisticated genetic algorithm based, buzzword compliant techniques… “
*Is seen to type Rachelle’s livejournal URL on browser’s address bar*
— “… And I got her diary. She did it”
— “That’s great, Greg! How do you know?”
— “Well, you see this entry here, titled ‘I *SO* totally killed my m0m, LOLZ!!’?”
— “Yeah…”
— “That was the first clue.”
*Grissom beams with poorly disguised paternal pride*
— “Amazing detective work, Greg. We got her!”
Seriously, I can’t even begin to fathom why the guys over at CBS haven’t come knocking at my door yet.
— sergio on December 08, 2004 
Comments
CSI amuses me, I guess making people think they can get away with murder is the appeal LMAO
Well, the episode wouldn’t work in its current form, because of what happened last episode. I’m not going to spoil, hehe.
YOU’RE HIRED!!!1111
-CBS
I’m a Law and Order addict…definitely would make a great story…and not like they haven’t done it before!
I’ll admit that I’m also addicted to CSI. **Strangely enough while reading this article, “Who Are You” by The Who came on in iTunes shuffle mode (out of a possible 6300 tracks…
Jeff, it’s the magic from OverCaffeinated!
Does things like that…
By the way, kitta gets co-thingie credits for this one, since the basic idea was developed during a chat session with her.
We square, Kits? =)
He he he…
I don’t really watch much TV. But for some reason I fear the series will not be as amusing as this script. Gotta check it out though.
He he he he…
CSI is, I do believe, the most watched show on in the states, at the moment. It is also the only thing I agree with the majority of the United States upon.
Mmmmm. Warrick.
Basic idea? I gave it to you on a plater and you scoffed it all down it all while I was looking for the sauce; he’s a quick one this Sergio, keep your daughters locked up. ;o)
Oh, and what about my cookie?
Don’t mean to offend anyone but CSI is fucking retarded!
I saw a few episodes and was enough to make me run for a sick bag.
Among the many things that in CSI are stereotypical, out of context, and just plain wrong, playing a romantic music while the human encyclopedia(i don’t know the name of the guy) was performing an autopsy on a female victim, was the one of the poorest taste.
Maybe CSI is a bit over the edge with how far can science go, but it’s a good show. You know, talking about one scene and stating how it is of poor taste without giving a context is… ironic… you have just told how telling things out of context isn’t good. Don’t want to offend you, it’s just funny to see a stereotypical troll comment “I haven’t get to know the show but it is bad” :) Grissom, that’s the name.
I think the great merit of that show is that it is easy to watch, while presenting a few applied science concepts and it has a great narrative. It’s funny to think that the 2nd CSI Vegas agent, was a stripper before.
I don’t watch CSI because I want to see a breathtakingly realistic depiction of how crime scene investigation actually works. I want a show which can make me giggle, and then feel really, really badly about it, and that I can dissect (ahem) with my friends afterwards. Perhaps I don’t notice how gruesome it is because I’ve dissected horses for class before, and, the whole “egads it’s a person!” thing aside, horses are massive and therefore even squickier.
In a strange way, CSI is comforting. If I were to be stabbed with, say, a genetically altered banana (and we all know they’re out there), I’d like to think that there’s a system capable of bringing the bastard to justice.
I’d hate to see the quips Grissom would come up with, though.
I’m forced to watch the show with my gf’s family sometimes… The one thing that really annoys me is the stupid 3 inch maglites they always use. Did they blow their budget on the blue light that shows everything? Get some of the 6 D battery maglites, or I don’t know, turn on a ****ing light switch.
And don’t worry bianca, the blue light would follow a trail of GM bananas back to the killers, so you would be avenged.
Guillermo, about the context, that was it. They found their body, they knew nothing about the girl, they started the autopsy, there was no more context then the one i described.
And i did see a few episodes of CSI like i stated above, in fact you say they are “easy to watch”, it’s not like there is some intricate plot to uncover here. How many times does one have to see the show to “get to know” it exactly?
For someone that amuses himself with “troll comments”, you don’t set yourself appart too much from the troll that doesn’t like negative critic.
It really is a matter of opinion, I suppose.
ok not really…
my thoughts:
red heads are an evilll race looking to take over the world of cynicism…
as lover boy says it:
“wow oh wow oh oh oh”
we should all be watching “24”. now there is a kick in the crotch in your face non-forensic “i got id” showcase. my name is Jacqueo Bower.
Bianca, me thinks you might be good friends with “the man” Sergio…
ps - an acquaintence actually beat a cop with a full size mag lite (no lie). showing dual purposes. just kidding, i am a big law enforcement proponent.
Just my opinion:
I really enjoy watching CSI. Grissom’s pocker-faced delivery of lines upon lines of pseudo-scientific gobbledygook and pontifical hooey sometimes have me laughing out loud.
CSI is to real forensic science what Backyard Dog’s is to Olympic Wrestling. And this is what makes the show so enjoyable for me. I can spot so many examples of bad-science, misuse of scientific instruments, and flawed logic in one chapter, that I feel smart. Really incredibly smart and intelligent. This show is an ego booster for this geek wannabe.
What I hate about CSI is Luminol. ‘1001 ways to have fun on a rainy day with Luminol and an UV LED’ would be a better name for the show. Luminol DESTROYS evidence. Luminol destroys DNA. Luminol is easy to fool.
You know what I would do if I killed someone in my living room and splaterred blood all over the walls? First, spray everything with a 10% bleach solution. Then spray over with some Ferroplant Iron aquarium plant fertilizer. When CSIs come and start spraying their Luminol, my house will look like it was built with bricks from Chernobyl. I am sure THAT would make Grissom cry. And maybe the hot chick would show me her boobs.
Now you know why I keep three planted aquariums at home.
Somebody, that comment walks the very thin line between “insightful” and “downright scary”.
Bravo.
Very nicely done! :))
it would make a kick /ass/ episode of “Law and Order”, too.
only not really.