Rants and Articles.

Gmail invites giveaway

So I have two Gmail invites. So I could ebay them for a quick ~20 dlls. So I go… Naaah! And instead I put them up for grabs in my site.

That’s right. They’re here. They’re brand spanking new, and they’re free for the taking… Provided you tell a funny story. Can be a joke, can be something that happened to you (or, following on the longstanding tradition of confession by proxy, could be something that happened to your cousin/friend). Personal stories get extra points, but if you tell a damn good joke you might just get it.

The duration of this contest is fuzzy, like most things in here. People I’ve already invited are not eligible (so Salamastre, Elroy and Jose: you’re out, but feel free to post amusing stories anyway).

Comment away!

UPDATE: Contest is over. Thanks a lot for the amazing entries. I had a very hard time deciding which stories took the invites, but I’ve gone with La negra’s story on the… umm… clever uses of cigar-wrappy things and Eugenio’s sneezing story. I love you guys. This was incredibly entertaining! La negra and Eugenio: You should already have the invites in your Inbox. Thanks for the laughs, everyone!

UPDATE Redux: I got more invites today, so I sent two more to Kether (for the KY Jelly story) and Shadowspark (for the kidnapping of Chubby Chicken). Congrats, and if I could I’d send these to everyone, people. Thanks a bunch!

— sergio on June 11, 2004

Comments

11 Jun 11:17

agk spake thus:

First time on here, and first thing i want funny huh?

Anyways, one day a friend of mine and me, we were walking around the high school, it was afternoon you know, and i really love this girl, so we get in to a cybercafe or something (my english sucks), we stay there around 1 hour, after that i told her “Here, pay him and lets go!”, so she pay for the hour we stayed and the next thing she said was “Hey cool fishes!” (i assume you speak spanish, it was like “Chidos peces!”), the funny was the fishbowl was empty, just the plants and rocks. Then the guy was so pissed that i just told her “Run!!”. After 20 mins. this was the convo:

Me: “Hey, wtf was that?”
She: “What?”
Me: “The “cool fishes” stuff?”
She: “What “cool fishes” stuff?”
Me: “Don’t tease with me, you know what i’m talking about”
She: “No I don’t!”
Me: “Oh come on! don’t you remember?”
She: “What?”
Me: “That you told the guy “Cool Fishes” and the fishbowl was empty?”
She: “When? where?”
Me: “Don’t you remember? it was like 20 mins. ago!!”
She: “Really? I… just don’t remember”
She: “You know what? Now i know why the guy was so rude with me”
Me: “MMmm”

and 10 mins. of mockering and laughs later

the end!

11 Jun 11:30

Elroy spake thus:

Naaah, not funny enough sorry.

So Sergio, did they gave you 3 more invitations ??, do they give 3 invotations per month or what? I thought it was a one time thing.

I got mine too and already gave away 2 of them. amazing how this things attract people to you, isn’t it?

11 Jun 11:49

Zelnox spake thus:

This is a true story that happened to me when I was around 10-11 years old. <(^_^);;;;

There was a party that my parents’ friends organized at their house during the summer. Us, the children, would cross the street to play in the park after supper, but it pretty dark already. My buddy and I came out to the garden last, and could not find the exit. (-_-?) There were many trees and bushes drowned in shadows. He proposed to jump over the bush that also served as a fence. It wasn’t that tall. He jumped first. Upon landing, I saw him turn around, but I was already airborne. We kind of over-estimated our jumping skills, because we both went through the bush, a rose bush. (>_<) Our legs had so many cuts and they burned (T_T) really bad. How our family jewels survived was a miracle! But we did not cry. I’m kind of proud of that fact (^0^). Hehe. We lamented about our misfortune for a bit and then crossed the street to join the other children playing hide-and-seek in the park. It was hard to run or crouch, though. Haha. And it still burned!

After we went in, my friend and I tried to be discreet about the incident, but in the end everyone knew. We needed many band-aids to patch up the cuts — they weren’t deep. It was hard to bend at the knees, so it was quite funny how we walked. I also felt stupid for not being able to find the exit from the garden. Haha. Children, eh?

The next morning, I had a karate demonstration in the park to perform, and it wasn’t easy. (>_<)

11 Jun 12:55

ornery spake thus:

I would like to say that I am sorry for those of you that I will offend with this ‘joke’. It isn’t ‘my’ joke but when I heard it I thought that I should share it. You have been warned.

Joke:
What is the difference between a Golden Delicious apple and a dead baby?

I usually don’t cum on an apple before I take a bite out of it.

…once again I am sorry.

11 Jun 13:21

Elroy spake thus:

(o_o)

Ornery are you a friend of this guy?

11 Jun 13:24

logtar spake thus:

Two weeks before my college graduation we were doing one of the last “computer security” group project. The whole class gathered on their little groups and my group and I ended up all the way in the back of the classroom. We were surrounded by what seemed to be a fortress of desks.

The project was very cryptic, no one could understand that teacher or what he wanted. So I was tasked to go to the front and ask for clarification on one of the tasks. So I start the quest to find a place where I can cross the fortress of desks… and I finally saw an empty desk and then two people kind of blocking it. If I jumped using the empty desk I can clear it no problem, so rather than asking someone to move I jumped. Made it, no problem. No one ever looked up.

So I ask the question and go back to the group and again have to find another spot. Similar situation empty desk and I figured, hey I did it, no problem… well there was a problem

I am not a small guy. I weight over 200lbs. And my ninja kills failed. As I was jumping my back foot got caught on the front of the desk. Mid air I had to choices. I could fall flat on my face, or I could use something to regain my balance. In the .0002 seconds I had to make this decision I found only a small armrest that unfortunatly was not empty.

The girl sitting at the desk had a some skin sitting right in top of the arm rest. But between my face getting hurt and her peice of skin… well you figure the decision I made.

So I hear a yelp… and I was like uh oh. OMG what did I do. Well there was a silent pause for about 5 seconds, then tears started pouring, and to make it worse the girl’s best friend cracked up along with the rest of the class.

I was appologizing and she was like no big deal… is ok. The teacher did not say anything. And I was just mortified. I was waiting to be called by one of the deans for sure.

The next day I see her in one of the computer labs and well she had a bruise the size of my shoe in the back, but for the most part she was a good sport about it. Her BF was looking for me during graduation to run me over but never found me LOL

To this day my college buddies call me bonecrusher.

11 Jun 13:24

Elroy spake thus:

while we are at that …

What’s the difference between ignorance and indifferece??

I don’t know and I don’t give a damn.

11 Jun 14:30

Oscar spake thus:

All of this stories sucks my friends.

I am preparing something weird and special.

A history about HALers…

11 Jun 15:02

bj8rn spake thus:

Recently, i’ve been getting more and more spam with the word ‘biscuit’ (or ‘biskviit’) in the subject line. I haven’t read any of them, but i suspect that the Nigerians are trying to take over the Chinese fortune cookie racket.

The scheme probably works as follows: the Nigerians have managed to hire some poor hacker, who has written a program to produce randomized text messages and send them out in bulk. If someone replies to the email, then there was probably a coherent sentence somewhere in the email, so they save it for future use. Rinse, repeat, until enough of these messages have been produced.

Now, this is where it gets complicated. The reason why they need those random texts is, that the Chinese have started to put spam in their fortune cookies! “Confucius say: buy penis enlargement.” And people actually fall for it — i mean, how can it be wrong if Confucius himself tells you to do so?

The Nigerians, however, clever as they are, decided to do the opposite. Seeing that the fortune-telling market has been left wide open, they have decided to seize the moment and put cookies (bisquits) in their spam! The rationale behind this being, that while searching for the fortune hidden inside the spam, you are unconciously exposed to the spam part.

Clever, eh?

11 Jun 15:23

Christian Romney spake thus:

Dos cubanos estaban tomando cafe en Versailles. Pepe le pregunta a Miguel, “Oye, chico, que paso con esa jeva que vi contigo la semana pasada?”

“Esa es mi rusa,” respondio Miguelito, “una viuda de las montañas de la rusia!”

“La lleve a la casa para cenar, y despues de tremenda jama, la lleve a mi dormitorio.
Pero la rusa estaba muy deprimida y tuve que inventar como hacerla sentir mas tranquila. Pues se me ocurrio hacerla sentir como si estuviera en aquellas montañas de la rusia. Coji un cubo de agua, y las desnude, y le hechaba aguita, y aguita y aguita - para que seria como las lluvias de aquellas montañas! Fijate que inteligente!”

Pepe: “Sigue, Sigue!”

“Bueno, despues le prendi el ventilador para que fueran como las brisas de aquellas montañas rusas, y le hechaba aguita, y aguita, y aguita. Y despues agarre una cazuela y le di a la cazuela con un pedazo de madera para que fuera como los truenos de las montañas, con el aire del ventilador, y aguita, y aguita, y aguita! Y despues prendia y apagaba las luzes para que fueran como los relampagos de las montañas rusas, y le daba a la cazuela, y el ventilador simulaba el viento y le hechaba aguita, y aguita, y aguita!!!”

Y Pepe, “Bueno, pues!! Pero que paso mano, te la singaste?!”

Miguelito: “No jodas, hombre — con esa tormenta no hay quien se le pare!!”

11 Jun 15:26

Oscar spake thus:

jajajajjajaja.

No pues pinches mames Christian….

Sergio dale a este compa un pase para GMAIL. De todas las cosas que han escrito hasta ahora este es el mejor, es el que muestra más cordura.

Congratulations Christian R…..

11 Jun 17:52

Shadowspark spake thus:

Not sure if I’m too late, but here goes anyways.

Our cubicles at work leave much to be desired, but most of us have trinkets, photos, etc. to personalize our cube space. A lot of the people here have small stuffed animals from Winnie the Pooh to Homer Simpson. One guy named Neil only had one stuffed bear, and it was a ‘Chubby Chicken’ miniature stuffed A&W Chubby Chicken character.

One day, as a joke Shelly from work decided it would be funny to ‘kidnap’ lil’ Chubby Chicken and offer a ransom note.

Ahead of time, Shelly bought a second ‘Chubby Chicken’ from A&W and cut it up in little pieces.

So the day went by and the ransom note was placed. Neil thinking it was so silly. announced to the room that it not funny and that it was a special item that he had from his gf.

So because the ransom note wasn’t answered (he had to walk around and pluck around like a chicken), Shelly gave one of the managers outside the cube room a ‘wing’ of the chubby chicken and another ransom note.

Neil wasn’t impressed.

While everyone was giggling and laughing at the entire event, unfortunately Neil got really upset and left early that day.

I guess it was only really funny to the people that knew it was a joke, but Neil doesn’t talk to anyone anyone in the room anymore. In fact, he moved out to the floor citing bad stress.

11 Jun 19:59

Trent spake thus:

It’s not a story, but just a haiku I came up with.

Did you ever think
That somewhere, someone you know
Is masturbating?

11 Jun 20:56

La Negra spake thus:

Ok Sergio, I will post THREE true stories THREE. I hope that trebles my chances to win.

Story number one, The Dirty Boyfriend.

When I was sixteen years old, I ended up dirty dancing with Gutberto (real name, I swear!) at a house party, in front of the whole school.

In the spur of the moment, under the influence of half a bottle of tequila and 6 shots of high grade teenage hormones, we ended up kissing.

The next day I arrived at school, ITESM for those in the know, dry and hungover, with no memory of the party. But peer pressure being what it is, Gutberto had to propose to me, and peer pressure being what it is, I had to accept.

On our first break, not to break protocol and be called a slut, I had to go and do some cute-talking with my new boyfriend. He was sitting on a table, and I was standing between his knees, all cute and shy.

I said something funny, and made him laugh out very loud. At the moment he laughed, came flying out of his nose a giant, rapidly rotating, two-solid-balls-joined-by-a-gooey-string type of booger. The monster described a mathematicaly precise arch in the air, landing on my forearm.

Gutberto saw it fly, I saw it fly. Gutberto saw it land, I felt it land.

I was thinking ‘WTF!!! Won’t you say anything? Won’t you clean it, wipe it, lick it of my skin? It is YOUR creature after all!’.

Gutberto was pretending nothing had happened!

Then I tought ‘If this IS how our relationship will be…’, and gave him a strong, loving hug, tenderly stroking his back with my forearm, returning his now coalescing gift to his blue CK shirt.

And that was it four our relationship.

11 Jun 21:06

La Negra spake thus:

Story number 2: The Cuban Toy

Ivonne and me were helping my friend Mari move. Mari was in one room looking trough her books, while Ivonne and me were packing all her junk in another room.

Ivonne found a spun aluminum tubes, the kind that fancy cuban cigars come in. Ivonne was touching the tube, sniffing it trying to identify the smell of tobacco, admiring how the light reflected of the polished surface.

I told her ‘Don´t play with that thing, if I had one of those, I would have surely inserted it, several times, in my…’.

In that exact moment, Mari came into the room, snapped the tube out of Ivonnes hand, and yelled ‘DON´T PLAY WITH THAT WITH YOUR DIRTY HANDS! I USE IT TO MASTURBATE!’.

11 Jun 21:18

La Negra spake thus:

Third Story: The Tupperware.

My ground floor neighbour, a housewife with two small kids, used to complain that my friends would throw their cigarette butts and roaches out of my third floor window and into her patio. This made our relationship very tense, but I solved the problem posting signs in my apartment saying ‘DO NOT THROW ANYTHING OUT THE WINDOWS. NEVER. EVER. DON’T’.

My neighbour and I were finally getting along nicely when one day, being completely stoned, I reached for the Tupperware container I keep on the shelves by my window.

In this container are my Rizlas, emergency lighter, weed, flavoured condoms, and my cigarrete rolling machine. In stoner-slo-mo I saw the Tupperawre slipping out of my hand, bouncing on the desk, and flying out the window. It landed on the ground floor patio, spilling everything.

I badly needed a few more tokes, so stoned and all, I walked down the stairs, knocked on my neighbour’s door, and politely asked if she could fetch ‘A few little things’ (cositas) that I had accidently dropped into her patio. She complied with a smile, which had disappeared by the time she returned, holding my stuff in her hand. She just asked ‘Are THESE the little things you dropped?’, and never talked to me again.

She moved out a few weeks later.

11 Jun 23:56

X-Wes spake thus:

I have an interesting story, Sergio.

This story begins in the far, far land of O’er Cafin-Ate-Ed. All was well in the land of OC. The visitors to this strange land arrived from far and wide. The principle attractions of late were the post. While the post came irregularly, it was always interesting—for this post came from the leader of O’er Cafin-Ate-Ed, Sargent Villa-Real. The Sargent, whom everyone referred to as Sargeo, was actually a celebrity. He had oftentimes posted to the famed Republic of Allist Apart and once to Ye Olde Sytepointe. His insight and anecdotes were always welcome sites for these wanderer’s eyes. Yet everyone seemed to remember a different, more golden era to the kingdom.

In actuality, Sargeo has not had time to devote to his kingdom. In this period of time, the brief blossom—nay—the brief naissance of OC had eroded. O’er Cafin-Ate-Ed, it seems, had once been a haven for the satirical arts. The highlight of this forgotten world was a periodical work of art by none other than Sargeo himself. After his work stopped, many of the visitors became very upset with Sargeo. “For sooth, how dareth thy noble soul commit to such travesty!” the commoners inquired.

For sooth indeed, for while this interest in art degraded, so doth—er—so did his diligence to his links page:

The domain Whitestorm.com hath been abolished, removing The Repository of Dangerous things. The site hath been to <http://www.dangerousthings.net/>.
DT3X.com existeth only in history, leaving Didn’t Think This Through behind. This humble apothecary findeth no cure.
Acid Keg moveth! To prevent unsightly magical redirection, update link to <http://www.acidkeg.com/>

Hopefully, Sargeo will come back, many visitors thought to themselves. Such libellious thoughts, of course, are in no way something to be shared with a man of such nobility. O’er Cafin-Ate-Ed, after all, was this member of nobility’s creation. But in all the hearts and minds, a single message ran true.

Sargent Villa-Real, make us proud to be your O’er Cafin-Ate-Ed visitors once more!

12 Jun 10:20

Kether spake thus:

My votes for best stories go to…

La Negra… specially the vibrator story…

and…

Shadowspark… for the kidnapping of Chubby Chicken

12 Jun 10:29

Kether spake thus:

And well… I have one little storie that Sergio will surely remember… (not that is funny for anyone else)

We were at a friends room… Gabo… Sergio was comfortably at Gabo’s Hammock, and I was at his bed… Were you there Fer?…

Well I decided I was boring… and with nothing to do started chewing paper… took a regular notebook sheet of paper and put a bit in my mouht… chew…. took another bit… chew… took another bit… chew…

Sergio and Gabo stared at me quizzically… “wtf is he doing?”..

took another bit… chew….

“ahh… he’s just being him… nevermind”

took another bit… chew…

Eventually… I had a huge amount of slimy paper in my mouth… until I could no longer aford another bit of paper….

Then… with no worries at all… took the ball of paper off my mouth and launched it towards the ceiling…. *splat*

Sergio and Gabo were shocked… but no one did anything….

Gabo lived for another two year at that house… The ball of paper too…

12 Jun 10:50

Kether spake thus:

We were at Memo’s house… and old friend of whom I have not heard for years…

I was stoned… the kind of stoned that you feel a whirlwind inside of you, but can’t move at all… I was on my feet…

I decided to move to the rithm of the wirlwind inside me… which means, barely moving at all…

I could feel every bit of myself… wich is not good, because now you have to give orders to every bit of yourself… and my bits of self where not in a cooperative mood.

Anyway… I started moving…

Meanwhile… Memo and Sergio where having the munchies… so they prepared a huge bowl of popcorn and sat at the living room… Being on the contemplative mood, they decided to stare at me… while eating their popcorn…

It took me half an hour to move just the hallway… about 15 feet… but Sergio and Memo didn’t even notice…

I had never moved so fast…

12 Jun 11:06

Kether spake thus:

We were stoned… this was the fad of the moment it seemed… we decided to go to the mall and eat some cajeta filled churros… another fad… (when you are having the munchies… cajeta churros are THE thing to eat)

So, I was on this strange world filled with people that were happy and dancing of joy… this was a world filled with love… and I was on the children state of mind… where everything impresses you… laughing of anything… (yes yes… I was stoned, I already said that)

Eventually me and my friends arrived at the end of the mall, where there is a circular handrail about 30 feet in diameter… and started walking in circles around the handrail…

The curious thing is that when we arrived, the place was full of people… and slowly it became empty…

There is nothing wrong with people walking around the handrails… unless they spend 45 minutes doing that…

12 Jun 11:22

Kether spake thus:

Did I told you about the time I used LONOL(a mentholatum ointment) instead of KY lub?

Lesson No1: Don’t put them in the same canister…
Lesson No2: If you happen to have them in the same canister, don’t grab them in the dark…
Lesson No3: If you happen to grab the wrong tube… feel it in your hand before using it…
Lesson No4: In case you didn’t care about Lesson 1, 2 & 3… be prepared to run, for your girlfriend will not find amusing your stupidity.

12 Jun 12:17

Eugenio spake thus:

Late at night, nothing to do, hanging out with my sister in my parent’s kitchen, circa 1987.

I was 19 at the time. Barbara was 16 and we both knew bad things were bound to happen. We had been there before, you see. Talking about things and having peculiar ideas while hunting for a midnight snack in the fridge.

Like the time we decided to find out if an egg would really explode in the microwave. Having enough foresight to place said egg inside a sandwich bag to minimize the resulting mess. Nearly having two heart attacks. The first, when the bloody egg did actually explode, in an extremely violent and loud manner, after a very long while and long after we had concluded that nothing would happen and our guard was down. The second, when my mother came down and nearly skinned us alive when she came upon the scene of her two eldest children peering cautiosly into her beloved oven, whose insides were now smoking and covered in an evil-smelling mixture of cooked egg and molten plastic. Cleaning that off is a tale best left for another time. Oh, and…don’t try it with a potato either.

A dangerous place, that kitchen. You never what stupid idea would pop into your head.

This night, however, would be special.

“You know what would be really cool?”, someone asked. (I’m sure the sound of warning bells rang inside my head at that precise moment, but I happily ignored them.)

“What?”, someone greedily answered.

“It would be really cool if we film a sneeze and watch it in slow motion!”

“YEAH!”

It all went downhill from there.

In seconds, we excitedly worked out the whole plan. Get dad’s camera, sneeze, film, watch, laugh uproariously. Endless amusement would be ours. Show others the film, bask in universal acclaim as the masses celebrated our genius. Just the idea of watching the slow motion contortions of someone’s face in the throes of a full-blooded sneeze had us cackling.

Seconds before the mad dash upstairs to find the camera, the obvious question surfaced: How the hell does one sneeze on demand? I mean, everyone who has sneezed while driving will readily attest that sneezing is an activity that is completely removed from one’s will and usually arrives when one least expects or wants it. Thankfully, for those raised on The Pink Panther, Top Cat (which should only be watched in Mexico, by the way) and Here Comes The Grump, the obvious question has an obvious answer: pepper.

Thus, both my sister and I proceeded to test the sneeze-causing power of pepper. We took two teaspoons, filled them to the brim with finely ground pepper, and inhaled them forcefully as one would with cocaine. As one would, if one had the IQ of a turnip, as we found out to our profound dismay. The amount of excruciating pain and suffering we experienced as the pepper burned the inside of our noses, throats, and brains cannot be easily put into words. Our screams of horror brought our mother down, and she stood frozen in the doorway as we poured gallons of water into our noses, tears streaming from our eyes, trying to rid ourselves of the pepper.

All in all, it took over half an hour until we could speak coherently and explain the depths of our stupidity to our mother. She tried very hard not to laugh. She failed. And the worst part was this: We didn’t sneeze once.

12 Jun 14:09

josh spake thus:

My story is posted here:
http://www.amishrobot.com/archive/000258.html

I hope I am not breaking any rules by not posting the full story in the comments :)

12 Jun 19:51

Dull Boy Nate spake thus:

At work, talking to The Queen on the phone:

M: How are you getting downtown?

Q: I dunno, drive, probably. Maybe take the bus. Do you know which bus goes there.

M: The 114. It leaves that Park & Ride near our house and stops downtown on 4th.

Q: Ugh — I’ll drive. I’ve taken the 114 before, and it’s always full of hyperactive high school kids. I don’t really want to be surrounded by a bunch of teenage boys who don’t know how to handle themselves.

M: Yeah, kids today have forgotten all the essential skills. Why, when I was a teenage boy I handled myself all the time.

{dead air}

M: Okay, well, now I kinda wish I hadn’t said that out loud at the office.

13 Jun 03:01

David G spake thus:

Well, the second half of Eugenio’s story sure was funny.

My story is that recently I was able to crack up my wife for five minutes. My wife and I go to a nearby restaurant once in a while - both our sons worked there for a while, and it is really close to home. For their salad dressing, they they only have three choices: italian, ranch, and thousand island. I don’t like any of them, really, and I’ve told my wife that. The thousand island has a dark, musky flavor to it - I think its supposed to have added a smoky bacon flavor. So we go to lunch, and I order a side salad. Waitress asks what type of dressing, and I answer ‘thousand island’. The waitress comes back with the salad, and as I take my first bite, my wife leans over and says “But you don’t like their thousand island dressing.” “Your’e right”, I replied. I took another bite. “It tastes like feet.”

Well, it cracked my wife up…. ;-)

17 Jun 11:27

Jeff Milner spake thus:

I hope I’m not overstepping my bounds to comment here, but in case you can’t get a Gmail account here and would like to try your luck somewhere else, I have a Gmail contest going on at my site right now. Good luck.

20 Jun 20:12

Rob spake thus:

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, i just got a gmail account pretty easy, i think due to my blogger membership. I didn’t even get an invite, just signed up…

21 Jun 05:51

Christian Romney spake thus:

Following Sergio’s good spirit, I’m continuing the same contest on my blog for 1 account.

29 Jun 03:59

love spake thus:

Sorry i have nothing to give you
Beaucse iam poor and new user
But please help me to get few Gmail invites

BE FRIENDS AND SOME DAY something good will back to
you
PLEASE HELP ME PLEASE
I WILL give you my heart
THanks
LOve with love
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
MY email is
nicksgreek@yahoo.com

PLEASE PLEASE

29 Jun 04:01

saya spake thus:

PLEASE GIVE ME GMAIL INVITES
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

07 Aug 22:55

Xavier spake thus:

Top 10
Top Ten Times in History When The ‘F’ Word Was Appropriate

10. “What the f*ck was that?” - Mayor of Hiroshima, August 1945

9. “Where did all these f*cking Indians come from?” - Custer, 1877

8. “Any f*cking idiot could understand that.” - Einstein, 1938

7. “It does SO f*cking look like her!” - Picasso, 1926

6. “How the f*ck did you work that out?” - Pythagoras, 126 BC

5. “You want WHAT on the f*cking ceiling?” - Michelangelo, 1566

4. “I don’t suppose it’s gonna f*cking rain.” - Joan of Arc, 1434

3. “Scattered f*cking showers…my ass!” - Noah, 314 BC

2. “I need this parade like I need a f*cking hole in my head!” - JFK, 1963

and the number one time in history where the “F” word was appropriate…

1. “Aw c’mon, who the f*ck is going to find out?” - Bill Clinton, 1997

07 Aug 22:58

Xavier spake thus:

That last joke I posted was for a gmail account.

18 Aug 17:59

Jon spake thus:

For gmail invite:
It appear that our friend ‘Jamie’ stuffed his pet monkey (that had rabies) into the aquarium. This monkey, a 15000$ race monkey, very prized my Jamie and Joe, was drowned when the monkey ATTACKED. It bit his hand off and thwacked Joe’s head off with one swipe of the paw. It almost was drowned in the aquarium, but escaped. FELLOW NEW YORKIANS BEWARE OF THIS VISCIOUS MURDERER! Hiring hitmans to kill the monkey!
500 $ if killed 5000 $ if brought alive
Weapons: Bazooka (highly recommended)
Rifle (the aim sucks on it)
Machine gun (oh yeah)
Flamethrower (HELL YAH)
and the amazing…CORK GUN!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
posted by jelgerbe at 3:25 PM 0 comments

Anyways with the devil team, there is no one to stop them. But Father Hairass is following them. “The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”, Hairass YELLS.†

They both start screaming and Father Hairass randomly decides to go jump down stairs. He go splat. He go BYE BYE ahahaha sucker. But Pagugu the demon is still lurking.
posted by jelgerbe at 3:08 PM 0 comments

Monkinator 4: exorcist version
The monkey lay flat from where it was killed..The devil, Gagugu decides to occupy the monkinators empty body. Father Harass is walking down the street and sees the possessed monkey.

“OMG”, he shouts. “The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”
Gagugu screams in pain. Then all the sudden the monkey’s head spins around and its face gets all scarred. “The power of Bananas compel you!”
“The power of Bananas compel you!” “The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!” Then Linda Blair(reagen) wlks down the street. She’s says, Harass! Shut the hell up!!!! (reagen’s possessed again!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) Linda and hte monkey team up and kill everyone..

to be continued
posted by jelgerbe at 1:40 PM 0 comments

Monkinator 3: rise of the retarded monkies
NOTE: Scroll down to the bottom and read up.

The monkey said hi.

Weehoo the monkey is having a malfunction and killed Jamie. AHAHAHAHAH then Cork gun Cory comes in and blasts the monkey, and the monkey get’s pushed out the window from teh extreme firepower and hits the empire state building and dies.

TERMINATOR 4: Exorcist: monkey version
posted by jelgerbe at 1:21 PM 0 comments

Terminator 2
Who could do such a thing? ? ? ? ?
?????,,,?,,,,,,,?,,,,,???,,,,?,,,,,,,?
?,,,,,,,,?,,,,,?,,,,,,,?,,,,,?,,,,,,,?
?????,,,,,?,,,?,,,,,,,,?,,,,,?,,,,,,,?
?,,,,,,,,,,?,?,,,,,,,,,?,,,,,?,,,,,,,?
?????,,,,,,,?,,,,,,,,,???,,,,?????,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,?

I don’t think Arnold S. is behind this though..
BACK TO THE STORY
________________
Started at 60 gunners..down to 24
The monkinator has killed over 1 million people!!holy crap
The dam monkey is strolling the streets, slicing peoples heads off with it’s CLAWS OF DEATH. LOCK YOU DOORS PEOPLE!!!!!! Also, keep a store of bananas enemy-TOMATOES!!! These stun the monkey. We now have the whole city shootin at the monkey! We join Mahcine Gunner Harold following the monkey..
“it appears our little monkey is going into someone’s house! Let’s take a closer look”.
The monkey went up the stairs and into the arms of guess who…JAMIE!!!!! Jamie, with his robot appearance revealed, kills Harold and eats his brain. Yumm
NEWSFLASH!!!!!!2 TERMINATORS ON THE LOOSE!! SHIT
To be continued in terminator 3: rise of the retarded monkies
posted by jelgerbe at 12:59 PM 0 comments

The terminata MONKEY version
Previously: Bill shot the monkey with the bazooka multiple times..The monkey’s skin was incinerated off, reavealing his robot appearance.
The monkey/robot said to Bill, “I’ll beh bauck” and hopped of the empire state building. Meanwhile, our nice machine gunners are patrolling the sidewalks when the see the monkey.. Their aim sucked, so they hit every car in sight..then monkey still lived..WHO WAS BEHIND THIS??????
posted by jelgerbe at 12:49 PM 0 comments

Previously
Previously from part 2:

OH SHIT! That was Mrs Dreyser’s pet monkey! WRONG ONE!!!!!!!

Part 2
JAMIE’S monkey!!!!!!! 8-18-04
Update:
We have 60 hired hitmen and 6 have shot the monkey with a corkgun so far. Harold Dreyser’s machine gun bullets richoceted off of the peice of metal the monkey was standing on and was left with 35 bullet holes through his head. Sorry i have no pictures. Now Jesserta with his flamethrower has the monkey trapped under the car..He start the flame.. and oops he forgot gas was flammable..BAAAAAAM
OH SHIT!! That was Mrs Dreyser’s pet monkey! Oh no! oh no! oh no! MORE LATER

Wednesday, August 18, 2004
posted by jelgerbe at 3:25 PM 0 comments

to be continued
posted by jelgerbe at 1:40 PM 0 comments

Monkinator 3: rise of the retarded monkies
NOTE: Scroll down to the bottom and read up.

The monkey said hi.

TERMINATOR 4: Exorcist: monkey version
posted by jelgerbe at 1:21 PM 0 comments

Previously
Previously from part 2:

OH SHIT! That was Mrs Dreyser’s pet monkey! WRONG ONE!!!!!!!

Monkinator 3: rise of the retarded monkies
NOTE: Scroll down to the bottom and read up.

The monkey said hi.

to be continued
Anyways with the devil team, there is no one to stop them. But Father Hairass is following them. “The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”“The power of Bananas compel you!”, Hairass YELLS.†

They both start screaming and Father Hairass randomly decides to go jump down stairs. He go splat. He go BYE BYE ahahaha sucker. But Pagugu the demon is still lurking.

18 Aug 18:00

Jon spake thus:

Ahh yah i was just copying story..from me blog so

18 Aug 18:02

jon spake thus:

Wait sorry wrong order..

Jamie
It appear that our friend ‘Jamie’ stuffed his pet monkey (that had rabies) into the aquarium. This monkey, a 15000$ race monkey, very prized my Jamie and Joe, was drowned when the monkey ATTACKED. It bit his hand off and thwacked Joe’s head off with one swipe of the paw. It almost was drowned in the aquarium, but escaped. FELLOW NEW YORKIANS BEWARE OF THIS VISCIOUS MURDERER! Hiring hitmans to kill the monkey!
500 $ if killed 5000 $ if brought alive
Weapons: Bazooka (highly recommended)
Rifle (the aim sucks on it)
Machine gun (oh yeah)
Flamethrower (HELL YAH)
and the amazing…CORK GUN!!!!!!!!

Previously
Previously from part 2:

OH SHIT! That was Mrs Dreyser’s pet monkey! WRONG ONE!!!!!!!

The story continues mate..with a big twist.
Bazookabill caught the real monkey on top of the empire state building..
“DOWN YOU F’d up MONKEY!” He shot the bazooka, maybe 2 times and the monkeys skin burned away..and left..A ROBOT!!!!! TERMINATOR! (monkey version)
To be continued. Terminator monkey is the next title
The terminata MONKEY version
Previously: Bill shot the monkey with the bazooka multiple times..The monkey’s skin was incinerated off, reavealing his robot appearance.
The monkey/robot said to Bill, “I’ll beh bauck” and hopped of the empire state building. Meanwhile, our nice machine gunners are patrolling the sidewalks when the see the monkey.. Their aim sucked, so they hit every car in sight..then monkey still lived..WHO WAS BEHIND THIS??????
Terminator 2
Who could do such a thing? ? ? ? ?
?????,,,?,,,,,,,?,,,,,???,,,,?,,,,,,,?
?,,,,,,,,?,,,,,?,,,,,,,?,,,,,?,,,,,,,?
?????,,,,,?,,,?,,,,,,,,?,,,,,?,,,,,,,?
?,,,,,,,,,,?,?,,,,,,,,,?,,,,,?,,,,,,,?
?????,,,,,,,?,,,,,,,,,???,,,,?????,,,,
,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,?

The monkey said hi.

to be continued

They both start screaming and Father Hairass randomly decides to go jump down stairs. He go splat. He go BYE BYE ahahaha sucker. But Pagugu the demon is still lurking.

28 Aug 21:56

g3g3 spake thus:

plzzz give me an gmail invite (i don`t think u have anotherone..but…

29 Aug 09:42

Gravity spake thus:

Hello everyone,

Well I hope someone sees this. Please visit my non spam, non popup, non all that crap site and get yourself a gmail invite.

http://www.arklinux.info

I am looking for comments and if you want a group of invites there is something Original I would like

Kind thanks
Gravity

30 Aug 15:38

FuTuReKiD spake thus:

Guys,
Check my blog at

“>http://myf1time.blogspot.com

and if you need a GMail invite, just post your email id there. Gave a lot of invites to my friends and now donno as to whom i shd give.

Thanks..

30 Aug 21:31

eddie spake thus:

hey everyone! i just got a gmail account yesterday…and although i am new to this i have a qustion…well first of all it took me a LONG time to finally get an invite, but i did get one and i know how all of you feel, who are waiting for one, but since i DID get an invite, i would like to share it with others, but i dont know how to get any invites!!! if you knw how, e-mail me at eddied316@gmail.com and i will be gald to give you an gmail invite for FREE gaurenteed.

08 Sep 00:51

Jon spake thus:

I have 9 invites left for gmail. Come to my forum, make some posts, and get an invite. http://www.virtualmadden.com/phpBB2/index.php. Spread the word. PM me in my forum when you’ve posted.

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