Like most relationships, ours started off great. We both did our part, we both gave a little and we both felt fullfilled and satisfied.

Except that’s not entirely true.

On hindsight, I have to admit that I was the one doing all the taking. She just gave. Never asked for much in return, actually. I guess that’s why this outcome doesn’t come off as much of a surprise to me.

I don’t mean to brag, or be downright pornographic about this, but back then it used to take only the slightest push to get her juices flowing. It would seem that only a look was enough, and bam!, she’s there!

Then she started losing weight. Fast.

I think the sharing did it. This may be the wrong time to voice my regrets, but maybe —just maybe— I shouldn’t have given her so freely, so… candidly, to my coworkers.

Predictably, she got ever thinner, and less sensitive. I think —and I’m not proud of this— that it was then when the name calling started. I have to admit now that, even though it accomplished nothing at all, it made me feel better, I was so mad.

Today, I have finally used her up. She’s completely spent. I even tried jamming a fork’s tooth in there to see if I could get some, but it was a lost cause.

Because when it comes right down to it, it doesn’t matter how much you try to fool yourself, or squeeze it just a bit more. Sometimes you just have to face the fact that the motherfucking toothpaste is empty.

And I need to brush my teeth.

Damn.

— sergio at 04:43 PM  

So I have two Gmail invites. So I could ebay them for a quick ~20 dlls. So I go… Naaah! And instead I put them up for grabs in my site.

That’s right. They’re here. They’re brand spanking new, and they’re free for the taking… Provided you tell a funny story. Can be a joke, can be something that happened to you (or, following on the longstanding tradition of confession by proxy, could be something that happened to your cousin/friend). Personal stories get extra points, but if you tell a damn good joke you might just get it.

The duration of this contest is fuzzy, like most things in here. People I’ve already invited are not eligible (so Salamastre, Elroy and Jose: you’re out, but feel free to post amusing stories anyway).

Comment away!

UPDATE: Contest is over. Thanks a lot for the amazing entries. I had a very hard time deciding which stories took the invites, but I’ve gone with La negra’s story on the… umm… clever uses of cigar-wrappy things and Eugenio’s sneezing story. I love you guys. This was incredibly entertaining! La negra and Eugenio: You should already have the invites in your Inbox. Thanks for the laughs, everyone!

UPDATE Redux: I got more invites today, so I sent two more to Kether (for the KY Jelly story) and Shadowspark (for the kidnapping of Chubby Chicken). Congrats, and if I could I’d send these to everyone, people. Thanks a bunch!

— sergio at 10:53 AM  

When I was just a little pup, I was convinced that I didn’t actually look like I thought I looked.

Deeply convinced.

I’m talking massive conspiracy of epic proportions here. Picture this: all mirrors and reflective surfaces in sync, always alert and vigilant in order to present me with an image other than that which I really had. Radios and high tech surveillance equipment working 24/7, informing people of my approach so they could put on a straight face (the otter has left the nest… the platipii are awaiting. I repeat. The platipii are awaiting…) This led me to have conversations like this:

- Sooo… Nice weather, huh?
- Yeah. Nice.
- I couldn’t help but notice that the sky does not look green at all…
- Um… Yeah. Not green.
- Like my nose.
- Huh?
- You know. My green nose.
- Huh?
- You’re in on it, right? You’re part of them! My nose! Is it green? Tell me!! Confess!! Don’t run, you bastard!!!

I’m happy to report that things have gotten somewhat better since then. I only seldom have doubts about the true color of my appendages now.

Like my yellow ears…

— sergio at 12:44 AM